finally that pair of laxies kicked in. two was all i had this morning, so...couldn't do three. feel so much better...sometimes bloating post-binge is so bad i feel like i look pregnant/am pregnant and it freaks me the hell out. yesterday was an all binge day, which ahem makes for the nastiest, most miserable purge late at night before bed...you feel like everything's been absorbed, and the puke is especially putrid. you're grateful if its just substantial in volume, you despair if it isn't..
anyways...sadly binged this evening, but at least it's this evening and a contained time period. i refound my footing today with the laxies and moderate restriction...maybe the rest of the week can border on the normal. that'd be nice. the scale went to the garage when we cleaned, so i can't double check that i'm 105 or close on the mark...but seriously, how much weight can you gain in 48 hours after moderate overeating? nothing that can't be recovered in 2-5 days.
i like finding some sanity and moderation in all this shit. one more day of laxatives, that'll make me happy.
arg, so much shit to do. stupid bulimia. to think how productive and successful i'd be if i didn't have it on my back. it's really wretched.
boston tomorrow. hope i get to walk alot. and hope i have the strength to eat right, for peace of mind. and must look esp. hot this weekend...seeing old guy friends i haven't seen in ages. and when you have a long term boyfriend, you want to look hot for him AND his guy friends - so they'll get off his back for having a gf in the units of years. you want them thinking...damn...i understand why he's never seriously dated anyone else.
i know it's awful. but its the jungle, and you gotta survive.
...someone randomly stumbles upon my journal and wonders what the hell i'm talking about, the official fledgling community is here:
apologies if some keyboard god or goddess sees my humiliating redundancy and laughs, but i'm stupid. so. yeah, it's a disadvantage. and since this took me ages to figure out, if you'd like to start posting in the new community, click on user info once on the site, and join. then go to your journal, go to update, and select to post in "bulimia haven".
hooray for stupidity.
therapist appointment at 5:15...
...your loyal, self-depricating mod. this info can be found in the community info, but since i'm new at this, it'll appear here also...these are community ground rules, warm welcomes, yadda yadda...
"i'm a bulimic of several years, and i've created this community after participating in other bulimic communities, having seen the pros and cons of this sort of thing. there's alot to be said for an open, accepting community in a closed, judgemental or just ignorant world that we venture out in every time we set foot outside the house (or for some of us, every time we set foot into the living room). as the mod, my hope is that this community will be supportive of bulimics in all stages of their disease or recovery, tolerant of misguided or lonely wanna-be's, not (overly) tolerant or susceptible to drama (<--- BAD), and generally a place where it's (sorry this sounds so damn hallmark) "safe". this is a place for acceptance, healing, support, and celebrating or grieving eachother's ups and downs, together.
be yourself, utterly...post away : ) mingle a bit. i'll be around. improvments on the community/my own journal pics etc, all to come. "
ps - you might find my own journal to be a little hard-edged. worry not. this place is for you, us, everyone. and it has plenty of room.