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sarcasm & nonsense from an average bulimic. served almost daily. enjoy.

no bullshit.

8/21/05 04:38 pm - seeing red

that was probably the most dangerous purge of my career.

i saw so much blood and kept going. it was bright red, which is marginally - MARGINALLY - better than dark red. i had to get rid of it. it wasn't like i'd had two lean cuisines or something. no, that was denny's and dunkins and leaves me with no option. i just prayed that god would allow me to get rid of it without hurting myself.

when you find yourself in that situation, and i hope you never do...just pray.

8/3/05 12:14 am

just a sentence to say i'm not dead. and neither is this journal. i just haven't had time; or when i do i have time, i sit down to write an entry and don't friggin' know where to start.

on the bulimia front, it's still kicking my ass; although i've taken a rather heartily-eating and not purging break the last few days; time to get back on track, maybe without the purging (as i always delude myself). as long as i'm being delusional, i should tell myself i'll get a gym membership too! nah...walks in the woods aren't weight training, but i still see tone from them...and it's alot more gratifying i think. and sadly, my insides have adjusted to the laxies and the lowest dosage no longer works - and i'm afraid to pop more than two. that's probably not a bad thing...

siiiiigh. if i had more than three weeks before i skip town for two semesters, i'd be more relaxed about smoothing my shit out.

alas 'tis not so...

thankgoodness for god and therapy. that's just about all that's really keeping me sane.

hope everyone had a kick ass weekend : )

7/16/05 07:05 pm - late

whyyyyy do i try to cram in a binge and purge when i have somewhere to 'effin be...why....

big party tonight...wish me luck 'yall...

hope everyone rocks out with their cock out this weekend : )

7/15/05 12:37 am - fuck...fuck.

i waited too long to purge.

among misc. relatively healthy things from home, there was a medium latte with caramel and whole milk and 6 munchkins, and a strawberry glazed donut in that binge...

fuck me for waiting too long. i just did it...the watery, acid skeleton of a decent binge. and i promised myself i'd be perfect for the weekend...this big party coming up. guy friends i haven't seen in years. the boyfriend. him being around his bachelor friends...i need to give him a reason to be coupled around so many single douschebags. even if he loves me, etc etc. that doesn't make that stupid social instinctive shit go away, even if we want it to.

i'd give ANYTHING for four ex lax right now. there's a 24 hour place 20 minutes from here, i'm tempted to do it. but what will i tell my mom? goin out for a recreational spin at quarter to 1 am? fuck it, she's understanding and she knows i'm sick. i want laxatives so bad, i need them for my peace of mind. if she wasn't home i'd run up the stairs 75 times when i got back. maybe i can do it with my stairs (it's a tiny cottage house, but it has two sets of stairs).

i saw a bit of blood in that last purge, and was distressed enough about the intake, i did something i haven't done since the first 6 honeymoon months with bulimia - kept going. i find i usually only bleed when i use the bristle side of the toothbrush (oh yeah - anyone else do that?)

ok...i'm going to make myself not look like hell and try to go out. then come back and run up and down the stairs.

i can't remember the last time i felt so kicked in the ass by this shit.

maybe there'll be something good on the radio.

7/13/05 04:45 am - i definately get a big fat 'F'.

terrible. couldn't avoid binge foods in boston with the family. couldn't get home until past 1 am. and have eaten up until now, quarter until 5. i seriously look 3 months pregnant, it's almost hysterical. tomorrow's wednesday. very poor performance this week thus far, MUST be good from here on out - big weekend this one will be. seeing guy friends and the boyfriend, guy friends haven't seen in about 2 years and the pressure to look delicious is especially strong. saturday is the big day...i hope wednesday - saturday is enough time to get it together?

oh fuck me kids. wicked mad at myself. time for useless purge, passing out and waking up with an inevitable buddah belly. tomorrow is definately a laxative errand day, and a gym day.

does anyone love (note the sarcasm) tossing the laxative box shyly onto the counter at the pharmacy? sometimes i think it's worse than buying a pregnancy test. (and yes i've bought both at once. that was awesome). but after three years of this, i've learned to make eye contact with whoever's at the register, defying, just daring them to give me a judgemental glance.

meanwhile, they probably have no idea. they probably think i just need to shit.

but people aren't fools; they're stupid, but being stupid and being a fool are two different things...think of how much you notice about the people you see; it's frightening to turn that around, and wonder how deeply people see into you.

off to the bathroom with me. this'll be jolly fun.

7/12/05 01:14 pm - fuckin A...

i don't understand this shit.

i'd done everything right this morning. eaten right, purged the night before, took a vitamin. even schedualed a half hour to exercise before going out. but for some reason the healthy food didn't taste good, though it usually does. the blueberries weren't enjoyable, i couldn't taste them and they went down too fast. it all did. i felt fat and unsatisified and stressed out; like i was doing it all right and barely had anything to show for it. living on grains and stems and too fat given the diet.

all distortion.

went out to do my post office/laxative errand. i drove by a dunkin donuts after rush mailing my procrasinated forms and thought, fuck it. just enough time for a super quick binge and purge.

damn you caramel latte and coffee roll.

why i'd feel less stressed out after binging and purging, no exercise, inevitable residual calories in my stomach, as opposed to eating pure foods and working on muscle tone...i have no idea. i just know i'm helpless.

on the way down to boston, i know i'll feel relaxed, and i won't be thinking about foods i can't eat. i'll be looking forward to pure foods. i'll satisfy my constant, incessant, nagging voices with the promise of getting a gym membership tomorrow. and i will...

help.

so glad i at least have a great therapist, and that candid honesty is a foundation of our relationship. i'm grateful for the resources i have, as an average bulimic drowning in this disease.

7/12/05 11:57 am - lead me not into temptation...

does anyone else find that having money in your wallet can in and of itself be a trigger? instead of thinking...damn i have a 20, i'll save it for that sexy top i saw at the mall the other day...you think, i wonder how many binge foods i can squeeze out of this bill. you think of your favorite cheapies and multiply how many you can get of them in your head. example, i see a ten in my wallet. and i think...3 caramel lattes with whipped cream at dunkins, and maybe a dozen glazed munchkins? not all at once anyways...but it's the same emotionally as being handed three tickets for a fun ride at fair when i was a kid.

as a result, it makes avoiding the patterns much harder. i usually have at least a 5 in my wallet during the working week, for gas money. and everyday i pass a dunkin donuts...all the more delicious because it's just off an exit of the rural highway to my house. there's not many odd vices that are more decadent than going through the drivethrough, being handed my hot sin, swinging back onto the highway and putting my eager salivating mouth into the cool cream, the hot froth, excellent espresso dancing in caramel...the windows down, the country freeway air and sun as much in my car as it is outside. i'll even slow down to 55 just to prolong it.

the problem is that it becomes an entire experience, like sex.

i'm mad at myself. but this is so hard to beat...i'll swear off of it like a lonely husband swears off porno, digusted after satisifying himself and certain he won't be tempted again.

we know how THAT goes, don't we?

7/11/05 10:39 pm - finding my feet for the week

finally that pair of laxies kicked in. two was all i had this morning, so...couldn't do three. feel so much better...sometimes bloating post-binge is so bad i feel like i look pregnant/am pregnant and it freaks me the hell out. yesterday was an all binge day, which ahem makes for the nastiest, most miserable purge late at night before bed...you feel like everything's been absorbed, and the puke is especially putrid. you're grateful if its just substantial in volume, you despair if it isn't..

anyways...sadly binged this evening, but at least it's this evening and a contained time period. i refound my footing today with the laxies and moderate restriction...maybe the rest of the week can border on the normal. that'd be nice. the scale went to the garage when we cleaned, so i can't double check that i'm 105 or close on the mark...but seriously, how much weight can you gain in 48 hours after moderate overeating? nothing that can't be recovered in 2-5 days.

i like finding some sanity and moderation in all this shit. one more day of laxatives, that'll make me happy.

arg, so much shit to do. stupid bulimia. to think how productive and successful i'd be if i didn't have it on my back. it's really wretched.

boston tomorrow. hope i get to walk alot. and hope i have the strength to eat right, for peace of mind. and must look esp. hot this weekend...seeing old guy friends i haven't seen in ages. and when you have a long term boyfriend, you want to look hot for him AND his guy friends - so they'll get off his back for having a gf in the units of years. you want them thinking...damn...i understand why he's never seriously dated anyone else.

i know it's awful. but its the jungle, and you gotta survive.

night...

7/11/05 04:24 pm - and just in case...

...someone randomly stumbles upon my journal and wonders what the hell i'm talking about, the official fledgling community is here:

livejournal.com/community/bulimia_haven

apologies if some keyboard god or goddess sees my humiliating redundancy and laughs, but i'm stupid. so. yeah, it's a disadvantage. and since this took me ages to figure out, if you'd like to start posting in the new community, click on user info once on the site, and join. then go to your journal, go to update, and select to post in "bulimia haven".

hooray for stupidity.

therapist appointment at 5:15...

7/11/05 12:57 am - WELCOME : ) introducing...

...your loyal, self-depricating mod. this info can be found in the community info, but since i'm new at this, it'll appear here also...these are community ground rules, warm welcomes, yadda yadda...

<3


"i'm a bulimic of several years, and i've created this community after participating in other bulimic communities, having seen the pros and cons of this sort of thing. there's alot to be said for an open, accepting community in a closed, judgemental or just ignorant world that we venture out in every time we set foot outside the house (or for some of us, every time we set foot into the living room). as the mod, my hope is that this community will be supportive of bulimics in all stages of their disease or recovery, tolerant of misguided or lonely wanna-be's, not (overly) tolerant or susceptible to drama (<--- BAD), and generally a place where it's (sorry this sounds so damn hallmark) "safe". this is a place for acceptance, healing, support, and celebrating or grieving eachother's ups and downs, together.

be yourself, utterly...post away : ) mingle a bit. i'll be around. improvments on the community/my own journal pics etc, all to come. "

ps - you might find my own journal to be a little hard-edged. worry not. this place is for you, us, everyone. and it has plenty of room.
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